I know what you're thinking, "that doesn't make sense", but let me shine a light on that. I had no idea I had lost any memories till people started asking me questions about my life. It was then that I realized, I had holes in my memories. Very large holes. Luckily, I did not lose everything. I knew my name, my age, my family, my school, my boyfriend, etc. I knew the basic outline of my life, but I had no idea about what classes I had taken in high school, who my teachers were, the sports I played, my friends, how I met my boyfriend or how we ended up dating, or the simplest inside jokes my family laughed about. All of that was gone.
No detailed memory. It's as if someone had written a very boring book and I was the main character.
Now, time and time again, I have heard someone say "you have it lucky. I wish I could forget high school". Let me just assure you, You don't want to forget.
Anyway here are just a few things I have learned through the past two years as I've lived with the knowledge that five years of my life are missing.
- No one understands you. Now, I am not saying this to be mean, but it is true. Losing some of your memories is an experience that very few people go through. I love my family and friends and I appreciate their efforts, but losing your memory isn't something you can simply read about and then understand. It messes with your mind and your emotions. You lose a connection with people because you don't remember experiencing the same things they did.
- You forget. you forget things all the time. Important things. You forget you have food cooking and it will burn. You forget to do laundry and you will not be wearing that cute skirt to school. You forget assignments no matter how many sticky notes, alarms, and marks you have on your hands. You will forget important events: birthdays, anniversaries, scholarship meetings, church events, etc. You will forget when and where your classes are even though you have been attending them all semester. You will forget taking your medicine, leaving the house, going to the store, taking a shower, turning in projects, bringing books to class, calling your mom (sorry about that), and more. You forget things constantly.
- You will confuse dreams and memories. I cannot tell you how many times I have spoken to someone about an event I thought had happened only to get the "what on earth are you talking about" look because it did not really happen.
- People get offended when you don't remember them. You may remember their face, but you have no idea how, when, or where you met them. Now, not everyone will get offended, but it happens so often. "how can you not remember me?" "we were friends" "my brother had the biggest crush on you" and more. It is unavoidable.
- You have to tell your story over and over again. Everyone will ask, and then possibly not believe you. It is only when you allow them to touch the giant ridge in your skull that they start realizing "Oh she isn't kidding". This is almost a daily occurrence.
- You are the outsider. Everyone has those high school memories, except you. They are able to connect over sports or prom or awkward first dates. Sadly, you don't have those memories and that can make it very difficult to relate to other people more often than you would imagine.
- People will mess with you. They don't mean to cause harm but it happens. People will tease and tell you a story about something you did and it may or may not be true. If you are lucky, they will say "just kidding" and move on, but some will laugh and then you are clueless to whether it is really true or they are just pulling your leg.
- You play along. This one hits home for me. I cannot explain to you how much it hurts to sit at a dinner table with your family and laugh at an inside joke you don't understand. Or to talk to old friends about trips with school and laugh at stupid things you did, but don't remember doing. You get tired of asking questions. You get tired of stealing the joy out of times of laughter. Because of this, you play along and pretend you get the jokes. You pretend that forgetting doesn't bother you just so you can let everyone else have a good time.
- A picture is worth a thousand words. I have found some of the most hilarious pictures and I have to ask my mom, friends, or boyfriend about them. I will post a few later down the road. they are a hoot.
- You are different. I often catch myself being compared from before my concussions and after. A friend of mine, Ryan, described it as BC Ruth and AC Ruth (before concussions and after concussions). I thought it was rather clever of him. I am told that I changed after the concussions. I have different interests and ways of doing things. I haven't decided if I fully agree with this yet, but it is a possibility.
If you ever have questions about what it is like to live with memory loss, don't hesitate to ask.
lots of love,
Ruth
